Okay, so I will be the first to admit that having kids has always scared me. I knew I could handle the pregnancy and I knew that I could handle taking care if the kids after. The part that scared me the most? Labor. I'm sure it scared most people but I will admit that I was okay with adopting just so I didn't have to have the actual baby myself. My two older sisters (that have had kids) said that is is a very spiritual experience. Umm... yeah, it could be except for all the pain that you are going through!
When Josh and I decided to start having kids I didn't think much about the whole labor thing. We both knew that it was the right time and we just went with it. (Although I still did freak out because of money and me not working when the baby arrives but we just started trying anyway.) After about 8 months of trying I was finally able to get pregnant and yeah, the labor thing came back in my mind. And yes, I started to freak out again. Ever since August I have finally stopped freaking out. It wasn't because I was madly in love with my little baby girl or because I was constantly feeling her move and the excitement overwhelmed me but an experience I had.
My sister Paula has a friend in her ward that is dula and she invited me to a birthing class in August. I wanted Josh to go but he couldn't and so I went a long. I will be honest that I think that I was more excited to hang out with my sister than actaully go to the class. I did learn a lot though. Now, before the class (and when we first got pregnant) Josh told me that he really didn't want me to have an epidural when I had the baby. He doesn't like the side effects and what they can do to you when you get them. my sisters were encouraging me to get one and said that an epidural made them so much better during labor. I couldn't decide. After the class I finally made my decision. Part of the decision I made was due to the class but on the way home it came to me: I didn't want an epidural. Scary, I know, especially with all the pain. When I got home I told Josh what I was thinking and he said that he would help me learn some ways to try to cope. Great! (Yes, I'm still working on them.) I will admit that I have never felt so ready and calm about having a baby since I made the decision. Am I scared? YES! The only reason I am scared is because I don't know what to expect and what can happen. If you ask me, it will be that way with all my kids because with labor, you never know what will happen!
Something that did help me to make the final decision was the amazing spirit I felt listening to a song on my Lifehouse cd titled "Storm" that night when I drove home.
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I know everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright
I don't know why but this song made me think of two men: my amazing husband who is extremely supportive and my Savior. I know that no matter what I try they will never let me down and will always be by my side. So, I am putting complete faith in both of them to be next me holding my hand as I venture into what I used to think of as being the scariest phase (labor and beyond) of my life.
*On a side note, I know I need to post another pregnancy picture and I will soon (I hope).
